playing God

for as long as i can remember, i've tried to play God. as in "today the role of God will be played by jai wallace tracy." my efforts have been remarkable. remarkable and exhausting. i have worked to save, heal and deliver everyone i love. i have tried to stop cancer from killing, couples from divorcing and children from dying. i have tried to create a world where only bad guys get shot and good guys always, always win. i, jai, have tried to erase sadness from the face of the earth.

i am lousy at this job.

no matter how hard i've tried, he still died of a heart attack, and she still buried her father. and i have laid awake in bed at night wondering why i couldn't stop it all. somewhere in life i decided if i couldn't make sadness go away for everyone else, i would at least make it go away for myself. so i simply shut my eyes and covered my ears. i stopped watching the news, going to funerals and reading the paper. i poured my energy into things i could control, like how much i weighed.

that "worked." until i had tru. and suddenly everything was out of control again -- most of all, my emotions. i remember staring at his newborn face and feeling this crazy raw ache inside my heart. how am i going to keep him safe? how am i going to protect him? i was terrified. so i started to play God. again. and i became reacquainted with that familiar exhausted feeling. again. my anxiety and fear swelled. i cried a lot, worried a lot and prayed a lot of teary, worrisome prayers. then came titus. sweet titus. and with him, the return of all of my gnawing questions: how am i going to keep him safe? how am i going to protect him?

i would like to say i've found answers, that i've moved beyond this need to play God with my kids, my friends, my family, my little world. but i can't. this is what i can say:

1. i am better at understanding less.
2. i am not better at trusting more.

i have to learn to trust the God of my unanswered questions. i just have to. i know this. yet when i think of raising my hands in total surrender, that achy feeling returns, and i sense myself reaching for the wheel one more time. as if my driving were better than His. do i believe God is good? yes. do i believe He has my best interest at heart? absolutely. can i trust His hand over my life? oh man, you had to ask that ... i'm getting there. i will wrestle until i get there.

help me, God, to let You do Your job. and i'll do mine:

i'll just lean into sovereignty
i'll embrace a mystery
and i'll just rest in You
as i bathe in truth
(misty edwards, "simple devotion")

amen.