so ....
shortly after i posted that oh-so-impassioned blog entry on love, i was presented with two excellent opportunities to put it into practice. one was convenient. the other was not. guess how i fared? exactly.
it was only after the inconvenient situation had come and gone that i realized i had completely missed it. i won't get into the details, but let's just say my behavior was a little less than loving. mind you, this was just moments after i finished high-fiving myself for being so very loving in the convenient situation.
ugh.
i am starting to wonder whether convenient love is really love at all. is it? what do you think? i'm not so sure. david said he would not offer the Lord that which cost him nothing. what have i gained if i only love when i feel like it?
i am so completely human, and i wish i were "better" at this thing called life.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
i want to love.
like, for real.
i want to love beyond myself. the kind of love that challenges my pride and my comfort. i want to love outside and within my four walls all at the same time. i want love to fill my heart and spill out through my hands.
i want to love when it feels gratifyingly good and when it feels horrifyingly bad. i want to extend myself in love. surrender myself to love. find myself through love.
i want to give love for love. i want to give love for hate. love in my words, love in my deeds, love in my joy, love in my grief.
i want to love when no one is watching, recording, rewarding. love when no one is praising, applauding, displaying. and when i falter in love, let me resolutely return to love. over and over and over again.
because in the end, what else matters?
like, for real.
i want to love beyond myself. the kind of love that challenges my pride and my comfort. i want to love outside and within my four walls all at the same time. i want love to fill my heart and spill out through my hands.
i want to love when it feels gratifyingly good and when it feels horrifyingly bad. i want to extend myself in love. surrender myself to love. find myself through love.
i want to give love for love. i want to give love for hate. love in my words, love in my deeds, love in my joy, love in my grief.
i want to love when no one is watching, recording, rewarding. love when no one is praising, applauding, displaying. and when i falter in love, let me resolutely return to love. over and over and over again.
because in the end, what else matters?
Saturday, April 16, 2011
playing God
for as long as i can remember, i've tried to play God. as in "today the role of God will be played by jai wallace tracy." my efforts have been remarkable. remarkable and exhausting. i have worked to save, heal and deliver everyone i love. i have tried to stop cancer from killing, couples from divorcing and children from dying. i have tried to create a world where only bad guys get shot and good guys always, always win. i, jai, have tried to erase sadness from the face of the earth.
i am lousy at this job.
no matter how hard i've tried, he still died of a heart attack, and she still buried her father. and i have laid awake in bed at night wondering why i couldn't stop it all. somewhere in life i decided if i couldn't make sadness go away for everyone else, i would at least make it go away for myself. so i simply shut my eyes and covered my ears. i stopped watching the news, going to funerals and reading the paper. i poured my energy into things i could control, like how much i weighed.
that "worked." until i had tru. and suddenly everything was out of control again -- most of all, my emotions. i remember staring at his newborn face and feeling this crazy raw ache inside my heart. how am i going to keep him safe? how am i going to protect him? i was terrified. so i started to play God. again. and i became reacquainted with that familiar exhausted feeling. again. my anxiety and fear swelled. i cried a lot, worried a lot and prayed a lot of teary, worrisome prayers. then came titus. sweet titus. and with him, the return of all of my gnawing questions: how am i going to keep him safe? how am i going to protect him?
i would like to say i've found answers, that i've moved beyond this need to play God with my kids, my friends, my family, my little world. but i can't. this is what i can say:
1. i am better at understanding less.
2. i am not better at trusting more.
i have to learn to trust the God of my unanswered questions. i just have to. i know this. yet when i think of raising my hands in total surrender, that achy feeling returns, and i sense myself reaching for the wheel one more time. as if my driving were better than His. do i believe God is good? yes. do i believe He has my best interest at heart? absolutely. can i trust His hand over my life? oh man, you had to ask that ... i'm getting there. i will wrestle until i get there.
help me, God, to let You do Your job. and i'll do mine:
i'll just lean into sovereignty
i'll embrace a mystery
and i'll just rest in You
as i bathe in truth
(misty edwards, "simple devotion")
amen.
i am lousy at this job.
no matter how hard i've tried, he still died of a heart attack, and she still buried her father. and i have laid awake in bed at night wondering why i couldn't stop it all. somewhere in life i decided if i couldn't make sadness go away for everyone else, i would at least make it go away for myself. so i simply shut my eyes and covered my ears. i stopped watching the news, going to funerals and reading the paper. i poured my energy into things i could control, like how much i weighed.
that "worked." until i had tru. and suddenly everything was out of control again -- most of all, my emotions. i remember staring at his newborn face and feeling this crazy raw ache inside my heart. how am i going to keep him safe? how am i going to protect him? i was terrified. so i started to play God. again. and i became reacquainted with that familiar exhausted feeling. again. my anxiety and fear swelled. i cried a lot, worried a lot and prayed a lot of teary, worrisome prayers. then came titus. sweet titus. and with him, the return of all of my gnawing questions: how am i going to keep him safe? how am i going to protect him?
i would like to say i've found answers, that i've moved beyond this need to play God with my kids, my friends, my family, my little world. but i can't. this is what i can say:
1. i am better at understanding less.
2. i am not better at trusting more.
i have to learn to trust the God of my unanswered questions. i just have to. i know this. yet when i think of raising my hands in total surrender, that achy feeling returns, and i sense myself reaching for the wheel one more time. as if my driving were better than His. do i believe God is good? yes. do i believe He has my best interest at heart? absolutely. can i trust His hand over my life? oh man, you had to ask that ... i'm getting there. i will wrestle until i get there.
help me, God, to let You do Your job. and i'll do mine:
i'll just lean into sovereignty
i'll embrace a mystery
and i'll just rest in You
as i bathe in truth
(misty edwards, "simple devotion")
amen.
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